The Silence of Mr. Abstract
Sunday
Excuse me
Sorry
You damn
well should be fucking sorry
Well,
what the hell do you want me to say…
I want
you apologize, not that false fucking bullshit-
I am sorry…
Fuck you
…
Fine
don’t say anything to me-
…
Dammit
Listen I am sorry
Why are
you sorry
For cheating on you
It
doesn’t matter, god I can’t even be around you
Hey
No shut
the-
Don’t treat me like this it
isn’t fair
Isn’t
fair
Yeah
How
Because you were always gone
What
kind of difference does that ev-
You told me it was okay
What
else was I supposed to say to you
Uh, the truth
…
Now you’re the one losing interest, you were
all fired up a second ago
Can you
st-
Stop
Fuck
…
…
I love you-
No
No what
You
don’t love me
Why are we even fucking doing
this shit then
…
Would you talk to me
…
Wait
…
Hey…
I’ll be
out late
Are you okay
I just
need time to think
You’re a bad liar
I know.
Well then-
I wasn’t trying to lie, I don’t have anything else to say to
you
Hey come on we-
You have been saying we can get over it for a long time…
I
Please I just- I’ll be back later
You’re just
running away.
Fuck you-
You haven’t
changed one bit
No, you are the one who hasn’t changed, I can’t fucking think
because you make me crazy
Well thanks
…
Just leave
No you’ll win if I leave
Don’t be immature
Fuck, I don’t want to be in this hell all the time with you
Me either
Are we stuck?
Of course not
We just got to trudge through hell before we-
Get to heaven…
…
…
I don’t even feel like drinking
And flirting with
the fucking slut
You cannot say a damn thing to me about flirting
I can say whatever
the hell I want, I am not going to let you sit on your throne and try and make
you happy while I sit and suffer, unable to think or say anything about my own
pain and dissatisfaction.
Listen, I know…
Well okay then
Okay
Okay what
Damn it, fucking sh-
God watch your
mouth
Why
did this turn into me apologizing, me running away, me afraid to face you when
you are the one who locked me in a dark closest with no f-u-c-k-i-n-g key
Locked you in a
dark closest
Yeah
Get over yourself
…
Don’t sigh at me,
fucking immature
God watch “your” mouth
Listen, I am
sorry. I am sorry for cheating
…
I just was tired
of you always being gone, always being away without me knowing where the hell
you were
I know
I just, I dunno, I
knew someone who could give me that kind of comfort and it just got out of
hand, but-
Listen, I am sorry too, I don’t know how to handle-
We will work it
out.
I know
I love you
Abstract
I love you too, Vishva… I will be home late, but I will be
home
Alright I’ll wait
up.
Monday
The vague notion of waking filled my brain before I had even
opened my eyes.
It
tugged at my thoughts like a weight dragging me underwater.
She
stirred next to me as I sat up. The bruises on her neck were bright purple.
Kind of like lavender purple…
Are you happy
You-are you having
troubling breathing
A little
I am going
outside…I’ll make you tea when I come back in
The
screen door squeaked and stuck halfway. I squeezed in-between door and
collapsed in the ratty couch sitting majestically on the balcony overlooking
the wistful grey skies and dirty streets.
Already tired
It was two o’clock
Humid not cold
I lit a cigarette and inhaled. The smell made me sick, but
maybe it would clear my head.
No.
The
coffee pot was covered in last night’s dinner. I put the cigarette out in the
sink and decided that tea would be better than burnt coffee.
Is it raining
Drink, you sound hoarse
And that fuckin matters
Language please… my head fucking
hurts…
Is it rainin
No
Oh
It’s humid and the sun was
coming out when I came inside
Are you ha-
Are you sure you aren’t hurt
Fuck
Sorry.
It’s fine
The tea was lukewarm, but I did not have a microwave. All I
could taste was metal.
She was taking a shower.
It was excuse to close my eyes and not do the dishes.
Would
she get in trouble for having a fucked up neck?
Stop you cannot let yourself
regret your violent fucking tendencies
But I could change it
Fuck that shit, god damn
Watch your mouth
Sorry
I had not heard the
water turn off.
She had
heard me.
Were you talking to yourself
No, you look beautiful
Im going to get dressed and
leave alright
Love you
Love you too
The clock on the mantel chimed five and I decided to get in
the shower. I wasn’t able to write, paint, or do anything remotely art related
besides smoke and blog about how I was “happy”.
The
water was cold or maybe I had a fever.
I brushed my wet hair back and gazed longingly at my
reflection in the mirror.
Smile
You probably should
lose some weight
Yeah, that is probably
going to be a good idea.
Actually more
importantly you need to stop bullshitting yourself
I-
No, you don’t know. Do
I have to tell everyone about us
Fuc-
Stop. Go get some
coffee and flirt with that one girl who owns the shop
I am with someone else
You are not happy, I
am almost positive she is seeing someone else.
Why
You’re not the only
one who bruises her.
Thanks, I will get out
today.
Yeah, see you later.
I
dressed in what I thought was cute. Making sure to emphasize my skyline tattoo
just enough to spark the conversation if my mind went blank.
Rain had started to cascade from the sky so I grabbed a
tattered hoodie, because it was cool in a way that only someone four years
younger than me would understand
It was
only six she would not be home till seven.
Are you worried?
The street was deserted except for the bum named John Smith
that always sat under the bent stop sign.
Walk past him you have some change…
I looked before I crossed the street. It was deeply
ingrained in my head. One of the few traits I had retained from my mother.
John, how are you today
Is that you, Mr. Abstract
I told you not to call me that,
do have a coat its rai-
No-No… Have any change I need to
catch the train to New Phoenix
I do
Bless you sir, my family misses
m-
Tell them I said hi
I dropped five dollars in his cup and nearly tripped over
his shopping cart as his jolted from shock at actually receiving money.
The
ticking sound of a bike
Side
step avoid eye contact
Tires
came to a halt right behind me. I turned to see the light hair and glasses of
the girl that ran the coffee shop just a block away.
See I told you
Be quiet
The girl gave me a puzzled look.
Excuse me
Sorry nothing, you are a little
late to the shop
I would say you’re a little
early
Did she leave early today
Yup
Hurry up let’s get out of this
damn rain
I helped walk her bike to the shop door and held it as she
pulled out an array of crescent shaped keys before she put one in the lock and
twisted.
After you, it is Abstract right
The lights flickered to life as we entered casting warm
orange to every corner of the cramped coffee shop. Different brands of tea, old
bottles of alcohol, and empty glasses lined one wall.
Take a seat; It will be just a minute
The girl took off her jacket letting her hair fall to one
side. I watched the contours of her
shoulders move and I traced the lines of her lips in the reflection on the
grimy mirror.
Sor-sorry to come in so early
No worries, it’s always quite
when I open so it’s nice to have company that’s not John Smith
I bet
You are here early
I didn’t feel like drinking my
troubles away
Music hummed into life as she coaxed the record player to
spin.
It was
an odd feeling.
The
quiet orange light, the hum and buzz of the record player and the beads of sweat
on the girl’s shoulders…
Did I
dream of this?
Dream
of a quiet light that enslaved what little human soul I had left.
Her hazel eyes
You okay, Abstract
You don’t have to call me
that…but yeah I’m fine just a little déjà vu.
The girl smiled and walked to the back. The clink of mugs
and smell of coffee filled the room almost instantly.
Hey
Yeah
Do you mind if I smoke
If I can bum one from you
I laughed and slipped a cigarette into my mouth.
The girl came and started to wipe down the counters. I
offered a cigarette and she took it.
Do you have a light
If you tell me your name
You don’t know it
I-
You have been coming here for
the past two years and you don-
Yeah see the thing of it is, you
have never seemed to friendly an-
You have a twisted view of
friendly, give me a lite and I’ll we will play a guessing game.
The glint of my smile was reflected in her eyes.
I poured myself a drink.
Right, your name is Abstract, you live just
a mile away. You love Ms. Vishva, but you are not happy. You feel like your
dreaming most of the time. You want to escape. You came here today, because you
hurt Vishva by chocking her last night. In some sick way you feel like you
wanted to hurt her…
I paused my hand twitching,
the gears in my head spun in action.
How do you know that… Maybe in some way you
want I did but-
No, do not pull that shit on me,
Mr. Abstract. You are in hell and you wish to escape. You always wondered when
you were little if hell was fire and brimstone, but the reality is much worse.
This is your hell. When you wake up tomorrow you will sink deeper…
My mouth fell open and the
cigarette hit the counter. I was unable to comprehend what she was saying.
Dreaming
No.
No
Or maybe Mr. Abstract, I am just speaking metaphorically.
After all I am just guessing
You
do not have to call me that.
The streets were quite the people passing were like blurs of
skin-colored smoke. Dark shadows crept beyond them as the sun cast stained red
light across the horizon.
Her car was in the drive way. I could see the shadowy
outline of her past echoing on the phone as she fumbled with the keys and
opened the door.
This
was my hell. A hell created from my thoughts.
My skin seemed loose on my bones. Maybe she had put
something in my drink.
Maybe…
Who was home.
It
wasn’t her.
Hello
No answer just a laugh echoing from the dark abyss that a
door had contained only moments ago.
I walked
up the stairs painfully aware of what awaited me at the top.
Tuesday
I was
awake.
No wait.
Vishva
was asleep next to me. I could see bite marks on her arms.
Unfortunately not my bite marks.
It was
raining outside.
Fog
coated the streets.
The
street lamps looked like multi-colored eyes.
My
phone vibrated on the night stand making my castle of paper clips fall over.
The number was unknown.
Vishva
opened her pretty purple eyes and smiled at me
Have you been awake
long
No
You okay
Yeah
I am going to make
coffee
Thanks I’ll be up in a
minute
It was so easy
So easy
Easy
My phone
rang again.
The number was unknown
-Weather
today will again be cloudy with a slight chance of snow later on-
-Most
like-
The TV
hummed into static as the wind blew the dish above the apartment.
What little sunlight there had been faded.
Honey, the coffee is
ready
Thanks Absti, I can
spend all day with you… the storm is supposed to be bad.
Wednesday
My head
was spinning.
Vishva there is no fucking way this is only
an ounce of fuckin…fucking
It is baby, kiss me
I fell, feel fu-
Shhh-
A whirl of skin and loud music
Sweat
kisses.
Sadistic
laughs.
We had fun, for the first time in a long time.
My
mother held my hand as we crossed the street.
I
wanted to see dad.
The ceiling fan squeaked.
My
mother
Oh,
mother how you gripped my hand
I
wanted to see dad
The windows rattled.
My
mother
Oh,
mother how you gripped my hand
Color
and sound swirled into one
I
wanted to see dad
The TV static consumed the silence
My
mother…
You
knew
It was
the day of the Grey Snow
The day
I lost my mother
My dear
mother
I opened my eyes my body locked in a cold chill.
Stop shaking, just listen to my voice
Abstract?
Just a nightmare
You okay, hey talk to me, was it
a nightmare
Don’t listen to her
Abstract
Vishva cuddled next to me, entwining her slender hands in
mine.
She
whispered soothing songs into my ears.
Her songs drowned out the static.
Her
touch silenced the rattling windows
Her
smile consumed the squeak of the fan.
Her
kiss silenced his voice.
Thursday
The coffee was warm.
Ice
gathered on the corners of the window.
Orange
light stretched to every corner of the cluttered room.
You are the only one
here today, and you’re going to be the only one.
Sorry,
is it inconvenient
No,
you are the one customer that actually doesn’t hold a conversation with me
because I have a pretty face
Thank, I guess
Of
course Mr. Abstract
You don’t have to call me that
What
should I call you
Hey, do you remember Monday
Yeah-
do you not
I think I might remember it a
little differently than you do
And
why would you think that
The windows rattled and the orange light flickered.
Color
on color
Hazel
eyes
Blonde
hair on pale skin
Who are you
Mr. Abstract are you suggesting that I
cannot see the friend you always bring with you
What, how do you
know who he is
Who, what is
Don’t act you can’t
hear me
Ah, you want to know what lies
beyond that door of yours.
I do
At first you thought it was just
the love of your life, fucking another man on your bed…
Outside, I
braved the quite wilderness of Grey Snow and misty eyed street lamps.
That is what you thought it was at first,
your hell being stuck in a relationship that is doomed to spiral the drain
until it ends in a cosmic misunderstanding and suicide.
Breath
Breath
The air
swam with her eyes.
Then maybe you thought… Maybe
that was just the first layer of hell which you are meant to endure, after all
hell will not lack physical pain or the crushing of your lofty ideals of
escape.
We lacked any drive to push forward.
I came
to a bridge.
Offer
flesh for a safe crossing or risk losing it all to the black demons stalking to
bridge.
You want this to be
your hell, Mr. Abstract, because it holds the thought of escape of escaping the
memory and running away from the pain.
Such a childish endeavor
Such a juvenile escape
I can offer you
something else
I offered a finger for safe
passage.
The
demons of the bridge laughed at my pain and retreated back into the void the
bridge spanned.
I can offer the next layer of hell.
The next step in truly escaping from
the afterlife you created for yourself.
Facing the voice
that mirrors yours
Or maybe…
You are sitting in a coffee shop
using this poor girl as an explanation for your crumbling psyche.
An explanation for me.
The windows rattled.
You look a little pale, sorry I know I
scared you last time you were here
You did…
I know, you were drunk though
Hazel eyes filled the blank spaces of my mind.
Skin
and hair occupied the void my heart craved.
Do
you think hell is real?
Shit, I wouldn’t know. I am an
atheist. I mean the world did die, but we are still here.
True-
What do you believe in?
I was quiet.
The world paused for me.
What
lust would conquer?
What
would send my life on a collision course to the next layer of hell?
You don’t have to answer, I am going to get
you another cup of coffee you do look really pale.
I watched her leave.
The
light flickered and the hum of static began to fill the empty space of my mind.
Here you go
I want you to be
mine
I want to hold
you.
Touch you.
The light went out and the stark light from the Grey Snow
cut vivid shadows into the pale flesh…
She
stepped closer to me ran her lips across my neck.
My
skin trembled.
God, I was wondering when you would say so
the way you eye me.
Here is your coffee drink up, Mr. Abstract.
I pulled myself from
the void.
Can I tell you a story?
Of course, what else on a day
like this
A man was born
with the power to create worlds. He was happy, and then he died. Now usually
that would be the end of a story the death of the main character, or maybe the
clichéd beginning of a new age novel. However
that is not the case. If you look at death as the main event in this person’s
life it is point he is stripped of his powers and forced to cobble together his
own hell. Forced to scavenge what remains of his life in a vague attempt to
make a cohesive version of his new self. So he gathers all the pieces and
before he knows it, he becomes an entirely new person. With the shadow of who
he was following him around. This fallen God, has become a tortured soul
seeking redemption in his own personal hell. A redemption that may not exist. Now
here is his problem, he may not able to escape before hell swallows him. Locking
him in a repeating cycle of events…
Eventually killing his
shadow.
The
girl laughed at the story and told me she wanted to go home to see her fiancée
instead of staying talking to me.
Laugh
Pretend
not to lust after her ocean of swirling skin
Goodbye, Mr. Abstract, be safe out there it
looks like the Grey Snow is about to hit.
The soft patches of ash falling from the sky dirtied the
white snow.
It
became hard to breathe the smell of rust and burning skin filling the air.
It was time to leave
Time to escape this wave of grey slowly encroaching on the
dying city…
It was hard to breathe.
It
was time to run away.
Friday
The car was packed with torn clothes and a set of pristine silverware
that had been a passed down on my mother’s side.
The air
was thick and it was time to follow the sun.
Vishva
was unable to be outside for long.
I
packed my old car with canned food and blankets.
My hands were numb and the sickening burnt smell the grey
snow brought with it was caught in my hair.
Yet, we
were moving on. Finally after all this time, I was leaving this place and
leaving for somewhere warm… somewhere new.
Are you ready to go Vishva
No
What, come on the storm is
getting worse.
Can we just stay… It will pass
The
cold air drifted in from the open door dragging a thin layer of black frost
with it.
I am leaving.
Running away
No, you’re the one who is
running away. Can’t you see we are trapped in hell and this is wake up call to escape?
Maybe you’re trapped in hell,
but what I love is here, in this small town.
Someone else
What
You love someone else
yes
I knew
I thought you might
If you give me some money I’ll
leave, this is my house after all.
That’s sounds fair.
Have you been saving for this
moment?
What if I had
I couldn’t look at you.
I have been
The paper cut my hand.
The windows rattled.
Take that girl from the coffee shop with
you.
She is going to get married and
she left yesterday, a lot of people are scarred the same thing happening
everywhere will happen here.
Oh, I can tell you love her
No, I loved you
Abstra-
Please
Well goodbye
I left the house crumpling the check she handed me in my
hand. It was enough to start somewhere else.
A true clean slate
Tears
stung
I had a full tank of gas.
Grey pieces
of ash falling from the sky.
It was only eleven.
I could
reach the wastes in three hours.
The car hummed in life and I left.
Vishva’s
reflection was echoed in the city’s skyline as it was obscured by the fog and
ash.
Just me and you now
I guess so
The ruins of the world sped past.
One
hundred
One
thirty
Thirsty
Just drive
Reach
the sun soaked fields
Burn
rubber
One forty
We want
to crash
We
want to escape this hell…
Why go deeper when the exit lies open just on the horizon.
No gods
Thoughts cobbled together in a beautiful ribbon of abstract
consciousness.
My
thoughts silenced by his voice.
Shadow at the corner of my vision
Multi-colored
eyes
Dirty
sun glasses.
Shed
those winter clothes
Leave
the snow and ash behind.
Out run the static
Escape
the rattle of the windows
Reach the horizon outrun the moon…
Forget those crescent keys
The
earth was parched and cracked. Crosses and signs littered the small town.
Flickering fires of police tape barred the gapping mouths of
the hollow faces.
-Grey
snow-
-Forgive
us-
-We are
blind to-
Screw
this scene we can leave, steal there fuel. Laugh at their foolish pleas to a
non-existent god.
After
all this was hell.
This place.
It was
four
The sun kissed my skin and laid long shadows across the
road.
We
reached towers of red rocks and I put in a faded cassette in the player letting
music slip carelessly from the windows.
Escape this place
Let’s ride the golden light of the sun.
Running away
You wish
Just drive
I am, straight into the hungry
mouth of hell.
You thought you could escape.
I could have cheated
She-
I could have taken advantage of
her.
Six
The
ghost town faded on the horizon and the moon began to grab at the sky.
Avoid the craters
Take it
off road.
To the plains of death
Sun soaked
Parched lips
Hundreds of miles away
You know the words to the songs
Listen to me
I am
You will reach a point
where you can’t escape what is coming
You are a lair
You can hear my voice
Everyone has a voice in their
head
A lie, what a pleasant
one
Should I keep going strait?
No take a left
Are you just a voice?
What do you think Mr.
Abstract?
Why does everyone call me that?
Does this feel
familiar?
Yes
You’re chasing your
ghost.
Chasing my ticket out…
Nine o’clock.
Parched
earth mimicked a silver ocean.
-We can all dream of silent nights and peaceful sleep. But
the painful reality still exists, still moves when we don’t. -
To
escape the gates of oblivion
We
must accept something exists just beyond the blackness.
Saturday
I came
to end of the world.
A swirling end, mist and clouds floated along the colossal
void that spanned the length of the world.
I
angrily threw a rock into oblivion.
Cites cut in half
Broken
spider like boards
This was end
The point of no return
A smooth voice floated around my head.
You have two options…
One, use your phone
and be surprised you have a signal. Call Vishva and hear a sob story about her
little fling ended in suicide. However, the conversation will be strange;
because what you never realized was that she was cheating with me. Your shadow.
With your remaining sanity you will take my place while I take yours. I will
drive back and you will try your best to persuade me with the second option.
I
will never listen to you. I will become the static on the TV the rattle of the
windows. The dreams of your mother…
The lust of for the girl with
hazel eyes.
No… I have signal.
The phone lit up with scrambled messages about the grey snow
ending.
About
suicide…
The day passed with surprising speed.
Silver was eager to dance before my vision.
Ten
I took
a deep breath and unpacked the silverware my mother had promised me before her
untimely death.
They
were rusty and refused to glint in the soft light
I didn’t remember them being so old.
Eleven
Do you remember how we died?
No
Was it tragic?
I don’t think so
Is this a test or have we sinned
It is not that black and white
What do you mean?
This is not a vindictive hell;
it is merely the next step in existence
I think I understand
This place exists outside of all
normal understanding because it is so personal to the man or women trapped
within.
Using words like trapped makes
this “hell” seem vindictive rather than the nest step in existence
I
could be wrong
That
isn’t very reassuring
I
know, do you want to be reassured.
Not
really
So-
Have
we had this conversation before?
In
different forms yes.
That
is strange.
Could
there be a chance in trying again.
No
What
if I change my actions.
You
will, you will be me and I will be you.
We
have been chasing each other…
For
a long time.
Twelve
Two, kill me.
Take this gun you
brought and put a bullet between my eyes while I actually exist in the same
space you do.
Plunge yourself into
the next layer of hell, dig deeper into the brimstone…
Escape the lies buried
in the deep pits of colorless fire.
Taking this option
will leave you standing on this ground…
Taking this option
will be jumping into void that ended the earth.
The dial tone connected and rang.
Once
Twice
Three times
Abstract!
Vishva!
I miss you so much, I am coming
home.
I watched Mr. Abstract end the call.
However
you will never listen to me. I will become the static on the TV the rattle of
the windows. The dreams of your mother…
Abstract…
You
don’t have to call me that.
End.
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